I usually don’t write much about what goes on at work. This is partly out of self-protection, as I was previously unemployed for a year and would prefer not to walk down that road again anytime soon. But it’s also partly out of a desire to achieve what in current HR lingo is known as “work/life balance.” In other words, I work enough hours that when it comes to blogging on my day off, I’d really rather talk about something else.
More often than not, that “something else” ends up being my extended family. However, I recently discovered that there are limits to what one may write on this subject without causing, well, let us say “discord” and “domestic discomfort.” In other words, I got in trouble for reporting certain things that I subsequently had to remove. And since I find it rather boring to discuss the weather (my readers suffering through a snowy winter on the East Coast will have my hide for reporting that it was 78°F here in sunny California today) or the rising price of petrol, I’m pretty much left with tales of my working life.
I’ll start this rodeo by reporting on the six cardinal sins posted on our refrigerator at work. I realize that the photo above only goes up to number 5, but notice that two different items are labeled as number 3. Whoever made this sign must be long gone from our workplace, as I work with a bunch of super sharp data savvy people, while the sign maker obviously can’t count.
1. Please do not eat or drink foods that do not belong to you. If you didn’t bring it, don’t take it! It is nothing short of painful that this rule should have to be spelled out in a workplace that is presumably populated by adults. This rule signals, loudly and clearly, that at some point someone had stolen someone else’s lunch. We may never know whether this occurred merely due to lack of sufficient will power to resist someone’s tasty leftovers (as opposed to, say, a boring old PB&J), or perhaps due to a gnawing hunger accompanied by lack of a lunch pail or money to purchase a meal at the café downstairs. I tend to doubt that it was the latter situation that prompted Rule #1, as we all receive a fairly decent pay envelope each and every month. If I am wrong about this, however, please see me and I will gladly share my carrots, spinach and tofu with you. As for the miscreant with the lack of self-control issue, may I take a moment to remind you of a little ditty we learned in kindergarten? It went something like this: “I won’t take it, it’s not mine… I’ll have my coworker’s Lean Cuisine some other time.”
2. Do not leave food in the refrigerator to rot and smell. If you brought it and didn’t eat it, throw it away. I did not fully appreciate the importance of this rule until it was my unit’s turn to clean the kitchen last month. On refrigerator cleanout day, it is customary to send out an email to all staff members letting them know of the time of day at which unlabeled food will be removed to the counter and then discarded if not picked up by the end of the day. I had forgotten that I had a water bottle full of almond milk in the refrigerator, my weekly supply to top off my morning mug of tea. As I was held up by a meeting, when I arrived at the kitchen to join the cleaning crew, I found my bottle sitting on the counter. I guess I should locate an indelible black marker and clearly indicate my name on my bottle: PROPERTY OF THE RESIDENT VEGAN. DO NOT TOUCH OR THE TOFU MONSTER WILL GET YOU. I won’t get into graphic descriptions of some of the science projects we removed from the refrigerator. (Shudder) My own contribution to our little cleanup project was scrubbing out the microwaves. Oh, and I should mention that we found ourselves without any cleaning materials. I wet some paper towels in the sink and proceeded to scrub away as best I could. The larger of the two microwaves wasn’t too bad. The roof of the smaller one, however, had brown baked-on goo to be dealt with. As hard as I scrubbed, I couldn’t remove it. My best guess is that this crud is the projectile remains of someone’s delectable frozen entrée from, oh, 2008 or so. Something tells me that, long after I retire or die, the phantom brown goo will remain. And this is a microwave oven in which dozens of employees heat their lunches daily. Ewww.
3. Do not bring “Costco” size containers. They take up too much space. Single serving size only, please. For the benefit of my readers outside the United States, I will explain that Costco is a giant warehouse store that specializes in selling food and household products in industrial sizes appropriate for feeding, say, the entire school or football team or even the population of some of the smaller towns around here. Considering that one of these packages can easily occupy an entire shelf, of which each of our two refrigerators has only three, I can see the reason for this rule. I can’t imagine why anyone would want to bring one of these monstrosities to work, unless perhaps they plan to eat out of that lasagna pan every day from now until Christmas. I would venture to say that no one is likely to fess up to this particular indiscretion and that, should such a package appear in the refrigerator, it would be unlikely to have anyone’s name written on it. No worries, though. This rule breaker will be caught on the very next refrigerator cleanout day when the unlabeled package will be unceremoniously evicted from its frosty domain. You can be sure that we’ll all be watching that counter to find out who comes to claim it. Remember, the price of anonymity is consignment to the trash bin at 5 p.m.
4. Do not leave foods uncovered. This is especially important when the food has a strong odor. Better yet, try not to bring foods that may have a strong odor such as garlic or onions. This is also good advice for your breath during the workday. I seldom leave anything other than my little bottle of almond milk in the refrigerator. However, every so often, I find that I have made a bit too much lunch and leave my (tightly-sealed) Rubbermaid container in the fridge for finishing the next day. Ultimately, however, I plead guilty to this sin, as I am in the habit of liberally seasoning my food with garlic and hot salsa. I must admit that many of the foods that we vegans tend to have on our regular menus (things like mushrooms, eggplant and carrots) are rather bland. Palatability is greatly increased by the application of liberal doses of the spicy stuff. So even if my closed plastic containers do not stink up the entire refrigerator, I probably walk about with dragon breath all afternoon. Maybe all morning, too, as I have been known to season my breakfast, as well. I totally love tofu, but — bland, bland, bland. One day soon I promise to start using that roll of Breath Savers that has been sitting forlornly in my desk drawer for months now. In the meantime, I’ll try not to breathe on you.
5. If your container leaks or spills in the refrigerator, clean the spill. This reminds me of a sign that was seen around a place where I was employed several decades ago. It read “Your mother does not work here. Clean up after yourself.” The irony was that some entire families worked in that establishment, so it was entirely possible that your mother did indeed work there. Not that she had any intention of cleaning up after you, of course. I hope I haven’t inadvertently violated this rule at any point, but my guess is that I will do so sooner or later. Some of us (I am a prime example) are totally oblivious and unlikely to notice even if we do spill. And if we do notice a spill, we will likely think it was the result of leakage from someone else’s lunch.
6. Do not look through your coworkers’ food to see what they brought. Generally, those who want to know what I brought for lunch (often due to the delicious smell wafting from the microwave) take the straightforward approach and just ask. I’m always happy to relate the details of each can that I lovingly opened and dumped into the plastic container now spinning about on High, releasing who knows what kinds of carcinogens in the process. As the rule states, rummaging around in the refrigerator is a practice greatly frowned upon, as it may appear that you are you going shopping in preparation for violating Rule #1. Don’t be so curious, George.
I’m sure glad that the anonymous rule poster at least finished up by saying thanks. With exclamation points, no less.
What lists of rules are posted at your workplace? Does eating lunch at work involve refrigerator thieves and microwave slobs? Tell us all about it!