10. A land line has retro cool cachet. (I’m particularly fond of the working 1980 baby blue dial phone on the wall of my parents’ garage.) Plus, when your children roll their eyes at you, you’ll actually know why.
9. A land line gets you a listing in the local phone directory. (Don’t say “What’s that?” I might cry.) If you prefer a cell phone because it lets you go incognito, you can save some money by just buying a pair of dark glasses. Say, who exactly are you hiding from anyway?
8. A land line lets you experience the excitement of seeing the message light flashing on your answering machine when you walk in the door.
7. A land line keeps it real. A land line does not make you think you’re more important than you are. Unless you’re a doctor or a drug dealer, it can wait til you get home. (And don’t give me a load of bull about having to keep in touch with your kids at all times. We disconnected Baby Boomers survived childhood and adolescence just fine without being kidnapped.)
6. You never have to remember to set your land line on “silent.” After all, a land line does not embarrass you by ringing while you’re in an important meeting at work. Or in church. Or at a funeral.
5. A land line is purely functional. It is designed to do exactly one thing and it does it well. Your land line does not tempt you to fritter away precious hours of your life playing Farm Town, Words with Friends and Angry Birds.
4. In an emergency, you can call 911 from your land line and the dispatcher will know exactly where you are. If you try this with a cell phone when you are out and about, you’d better know the names of the nearest cross streets if you expect to get any help. And if your idea of stating your location is “I’m at Steph’s boyfriend’s house, I don’t know the address here, hellllpppp!”, you’d better hope that the dispatcher’s little radar thingy is good enough to locate you in the five minutes you have left in which to revive Steph’s boyfriend. (Expect a bill for that search and rescue helicopter that you hear whirring overhead.)
3. A land line does not cut out when you hit a “dead spot.” A land line never displays the message “Call Failed.”
2. A land line always has a dial tone and never displays the message “no service” when you are desperately in need of making a call.
And the #1 reason that a land line is better than a cell phone:
1. A land line never has to be charged. On the other hand, when your cell phone runs out of juice, it makes a lovely paperweight.