Our Thanksgiving with family has involved a roller coaster of emotions for me, which is something I am still processing. While I figure out how to write about the experience in a coherent matter, let’s lighten up and do something a bit more fun today.
Over the weekend, I saw an article in the Seattle Post-Intelligencer entitled “19 Signs You’re Intelligent — Even If It Doesn’t Feel Like It.” I usually don’t lend much credence to such lists, but if this one is at all accurate, there’s only one conclusion: I’m dumb.
I didn’t flunk every one of the signs listed, but enough of them describe my opposite that, at the very least, I come out squarely on the dumb side.
And so, without further ado, let’s review how these signs of intelligence (don’t) apply to Uncle Guac:
1. You took music lessons. As a kid? Nope. I recall playing a recorder and a pink toy piano with colored keys for a while, mostly with one finger. I wanted a real piano, which was unreasonable in light of my parents’ finances. They offered to buy a portable electric keyboard or a guitar, but I declined. Not the same as a piano. My sister took violin in school, but the rented instrument mostly sat under her bed collecting dust until it was returned to Alto Music on Route 59. My mother still says that, if I were such a musician, I would have hauled it out and learned how to play. Hmm. Does taking one flute class in college count? How about taking two flute lessons as an adult before quitting? I’ve long since sold the flute. Does it count that I can sing? La la la LA! Oh, shut up, dogs!
2. You’re the oldest. Admittedly, this is a qualification to which I can lay claim. Rumor has it that this is one of the few things in my life that I can honestly say was completely outside my own stupidity.
3. You’re thin. Hahahaha!! Morbidly obese since birth. I told you. Dumb!
4. You have a cat. Not! Oh, man, where do I start? I could list the little apartments in which we’ve lived that came with “no pets” as a cardinal rule rivaling only “rent paid after the fifth of the month will be subject to a late fee.” Also, my wife appears to be allergic to cats (and hates them with a passion in any event).
5. You were breastfed. Not a chance. The bottle (heated in a pot of water on the stove of our cockroach-filled Bronx apartment and temperature-tested on the inside of the wrist) was something of a religion in our family.
6. You’ve used recreational drugs. I have done many stupid things in my life, but I am proud to state that this was not one of them. That is actually saying something significant, considering that I attended college in the 1970s. I retain very unpleasant recollections of dodging a haze of pot smoke and worse until I gave up and ran away to a decrepit single occupancy room hotel downtown for the remainder of my undergraduate experience. Case in point: I once attended a student newspaper party held in a three-story townhouse rented by a few of my fellow budding journalists. Upon entry, attendees were greeted by a sign indicating that alcohol was at ground level, marijuana on the second story and hard drugs in the penthouse. I turned right around and walked out the door and into the night. If that makes me dumb, I’d rather be dumb.
7. You’re lefthanded. Struck out again! Not a southpaw.
8. You’re tall. The article states that taller individuals score higher on IQ tests. I’m short, fat and, apparently, just dumb.
9. You drink alcohol regularly. It appears that all those Saturday night keggers at college that I so despised were actually attended by smart people! Turns out sobriety is for dummies! Who knew? Being fat, I have developed liver problems that are similar to those experienced by alcoholics. I guess being a lifelong teetotaler and missing out on all the fun just makes me… dumb.
10. You learned to read early. Ahhh, finally an indicator of intelligence that I can own. I was reading at the age of three, devoured the public library as if it were a chocolate cake and continue to enjoy a good book until this day. By the way, this is one of the few indicators of intelligence on this list that actually makes sense.
11. You worry a lot. Unfortunately, this is one vice with which I continue to struggle. Although I am a natural born worrier, I like to think I am not quite as intense as I was in my younger days. I do try to “give it to God” and to allow He who is in control to make things as they should be. Still, my tendency to worry is not easily quelled. I’ll have to call this one “neutral.”
12. You’re funny. Nope! My wife is the funny one. She is quite the wit, and I admire her sense of humor greatly. As I cringe at the thought of labeling myself as “dour” or “humorless,” perhaps I will just settle on “dumb.”
13. You’re curious. Umm. Ouch! While I have a diverse set of interests, I’m not one of those people who have to know how everything works. I grew up on such platitudes as “curiosity killed the cat” and “MYOB.” My existentialist side will justify my lack of curiosity by asking “who can really know anything anyway?” Oh, I’m just dumb, you say? Yep.
14. You’re messy. Winner! See? Being messy doesn’t make you a pig; it just means you’re smart! If messiness were the primary mark of intelligence, I’d be right up there with the geniuses. I am an unapologetic slob. Not only do I hate cleaning, I believe that I have better things to do. While it may be unfair for me to leave the cleanup to others, my true feeling is that I don’t care if it gets cleaned or not. Just go away and leave me to my mess, please. Reference: My cubicle at work. Yeah, I’m one of those.
15. You didn’t have sex until after high school. Winner again! In a very big way, I might add. I’ll leave it at that.
16. You’re a night owl. Yes! Three in a row! I have fond recollections of my years working the graveyard shift. I only wish my work schedule permitted me to stay up all night and sleep during the day. My circadian rhythm is decidedly not normal. I love the deep, dark hours of the night, as that’s when my creativity seems to be at its best. Reference: I frequently wake up in the middle of the night and begin scribbling notes on my phone.
17. You don’t always have to try hard. And now, my friends, we travel back to the dumb side of Uncle Guacamole. I have to try hard to obtain any measure of success. Unfortunately, I have a lazy streak a mile wide and often prefer not to try very hard even if it means failure. Reference: My checkered college days. Guess I’m just dumb.
18. You don’t constantly need to be around people. This one falls in my favor. While I do generally prefer to be around people, being alone is just fine as well. I keep busy, so a lot of the time I barely notice when I’m alone. That said, I absolutely love being married. I wouldn’t go back to my single days for a million bucks.
19. You live in a walkable city. Nope. I reside in a rural area where the roosters crow all day and night, the sheep baa across the road and that “thunk” you just heard was a wild peacock jumping off our roof. I lived in New York City until the age of six when my parents purchased a house in the suburbs. Eventually, I moved to California, car culture capital of the world.
If I am counting correctly (which, at this point, I am not sure I am smart enough to do), I have satisfied five of the above 19 indicators of intelligence.
Fortunately, being dumb isn’t the end of the world. If nothing else, I am in good company. After all, there are a lot of us out here.