Although we live in the Sacramento area, our location is quite rural, as is made obvious by the horse paddock on the corner, the sheep baaing across the street and the chickens running around everywhere as if they owned the neighborhood. It’s quite the antidote to working in the concrete jungle downtown every day.
As one who was born and raised in New York City and environs, I’ll be the first to say that small towns, while soothing in their own way, are rather dull and predictable. Well, at least that’s what I thought until I recently took a look at a newspaper from over in the next county. Apparently, the country life can be truly hilarious. To prove my point, I present for your entertainment a few entries from the police blotter:
Grin and bear it
A caller on Jackson Street in Quincy reported seeing a bear walking on his property for the second time in a week. He said he would like it to be on file that there is a bear problem in his area.
Uncle Guac sez: Duly noted. Better break out the “No Trespassing” signs, dude!
Oh, is that all?
A caller said her soon to be ex-husband called her and then she heard a gunshot on the other end of the line. Attempts to call the man were met with a busy signal. A 911 dispatcher was eventually able to reach the man who said everything was fine. He said the gunshot sound was from him shooting at a coyote.
Uncle Guac sez: Hang on, honey, I gotta go kill something. (Sometimes divorce can be a good thing!)
That’s no way to treat your husband!
A caller on County Road A23 near Beckwourth reported being a victim of a hit and run. He said he was riding an ATV when he was hit by a truck that left the scene. The caller added that the truck was driven by his wife.
Uncle Guac sez: Think this one might be heading to divorce court, too?
How’d he get in here?!
An ER nurse reported that a nurse was bitten by a dog in the emergency room.
Uncle Guac sez: The nerve of some canines! Didn’t he read the “No Animals Allowed” sign? (At least you didn’t need to call for an ambulance.)
A 2001 Dodge truck swerved, ascended an embankment and rolled over. According to the driver, they were on Long Valley Road, west of Green Gulch Road, when a deer dumped directly in front of the truck.
Uncle Guac sez: Pee-ew! Dis-gusting! I bet that stank! Can’t blame you for wrecking your ride, man.
Three strikes, you’re out
A caller at Butt Lake’s Cool Springs Campground said an intoxicated male had driven his truck into a ditch on the side of the road and was spinning his wheels and cussing. The caller said the intoxicated man had a gash on his head from falling down earlier. The Highway Patrol responded and the man was arrested on a charge of DUI.
Uncle Guac sez: Talk about a horrible, terrible, very bad day! (I’d be cussing, too. At least the guy wasn’t on crack, which has been a really bad problem lately, and right in the middle of Butt Lake, too!)
Hey, keep your eyes on the road!
A caller who was located about six miles north of La Porte reported that three people were injured in ATV accidents. The caller said two juveniles were injured when they drove their quad over a cliff. When their father went over the cliff to help them, he was injured, too.
Uncle Guac sez: You can’t tell me there’s no such thing as paternal instinct!
They were just singing harmony
A caller said she could hear her neighbor’s dog barking and her neighbor’s pig was squealing a lot. The caller said it sounded like the dog was harassing the pig. An officer responded to check on the dog and the pig. Both animals appeared to be fine.
Uncle Guac sez: Geez! Can’t we even have a friendly conversation without someone calling the cops?
If you think I’m making this stuff up, you’re giving me a lot more credit for creativity than I deserve. You can check it out yourself at http://por.stparchive.com/Archive/POR/POR07012015P13.php.