(Inflatable holiday ornament on the lawn of a house a few streets over)
Thanksgiving in the U.S. is next week. (Our Canadian friends celebrated the holiday last month.) Today I was thinking about posting a partial list of things for which I am grateful. I will still do that in a few days, but today I had a request from a reader to post something humorous. I guess yesterday’s post was just too much of a downer.
Now, I don’t do humorous very well, but we aim to please. So let’s start with my favorite dumb Thanksgiving questions:
Are you all ready for Thanksgiving? (Don’t you hate being asked that?) Possible answers:
- No! The turkey ran away before Thanksgiving Day!
- No! I’m allergic to cranberry sauce! Say, do you think I could use tomato sauce instead?
- Yes! We’re having hot dogs and potato salad, and we’ll shoot off some fireworks after dark!
- You bet! We caught a possum down in the holler and we’re cookin’ up some roadkill stew. Y’all come eat!
- I’m waiting until Black Friday to get a good deal on a turkey.
- Is that coming up next month already?
I don’t have a big enough table for everyone coming for Thanksgiving. What should I do?
- Squeeze in tight. Cross the turkey’s legs.
- Have everyone sit on the floor.
- Send out your invitations marked BYOTCH. This is not a pejorative method of casting aspersions on the integrity of your guests. It simply means “bring your own table and chairs.”
Do you need us to bring anything for Thanksgiving?
Best answer: Sure! If you could be a dear and just bring stuffing, cranberry sauce, rolls, mashed potatoes, candied yams and a green bean casserole. And, oh yeah, the turkey. I’ll have plenty of soda. (In honor of relatives who think it’s okay to show up with just a 2-liter bottle of Pepsi.)
And just for fun, here are a few of my favorite dumb signs:
(Seen behind the deli counter at a grocery store)
Work 8 hours, sleep 8 hours. But not the same eight hours.
Are you kidding me? Haven’t you ever heard of multitasking?
(Seen in a major chain store)
Pay your bills here! It’s easy!
If you have money, that is.
(Seen in a South Carolina café. No lie!)
Bowel of chili, 99 cents
Eeewww! Think I might be spending some time in the rest room after eating this?
My wife found this one online, and it made me feel warm and fuzzy all over. It’s nice to know that when things get tough, someone’s always got your back.
I’ve heard of speed dating, but this is ridiculous!
And finally, I think this one speaks for itself. Bring on the, uh, cocoa butter and the SPF30 syrup.
(Courtesy of funnysigns.net)