Bathroom Follies


I’ve been thinking about the many changes to our lives since we relocated from the desert to northern California nearly a month ago.  The obvious includes the change in climate (coming from 100°F+ for six months out of the year to cool breezes every day), going from a regular job as a manager to being unemployed, and moving from just the two of us in a big old rental house to living with my mother-in-law (Pastor Mom) in the parsonage of a church.

Another life change we’ve experienced:

We’ve gone from two bathrooms for two of us to one bathroom for three of us.

Most of the time, this is not a big deal.  Heck, Pastor Mom has even offered to keep a chamber pot in her bathroom in case the facilities are occupied when she needs to use them.  If that’s not extending yourself, I don’t know what is.

Generally, I am the one who inconveniences everyone else due to my inconsistent plumbing, care of medication that results in regular attacks of Montezuma’s Revenge.  However, I am very pleased to report that the three of us are unfailingly polite to each other and have learned to stay out of each other’s way.  So we experience things like this…

4:00 in the morning and I have just awoken from a comatose state because my bladder is so full that it is about to leak all over a bed that we do not own.  I step out of the bedroom and immediately see light coming from beneath the closed bathroom door.  I return to bed.

Me:  Psst!  I gotta go, but Mom’s in there.  I think I’m gonna go out and use the church bathroom.

Wife:  Why did you wake me up??!! Just knock on the door.  She’ll probably be out in a minute.

Me:  (grumble)

Wife:  Dammit!  (Sighs.  Crawls out of bed and walks around the corner.)  Mom, are you gonna be in there a while?

Mom:  I’m coming out right now, dear.   (Door opens and Mom heads back to bed.  I come half an inch from bowling over my wife in my haste to hit the loo.)

…and things like this…

I step out of the shower and begin toweling off.  Including my toileting, I’ve already been occupying the bathroom for 45 minutes.

Wife: (knocks on door)  Have you showered yet??!!

Me:  Yes!  Why?

Wife:  I gotta goooooo!!

Me:  Hold on, I’ll just be a minute.  (unlocks bathroom door, streaks around corner with wet towel, slams bedroom door)

…and this…

11:30 am (which is about the time that Mr. Unemployed hauls himself out of bed).  I call out for my wife, who shows up at the bedroom door.

Me:  Can I go shower now?

Wife:  You have to wait.  The Thompsons are visiting.

Me:  Okay, let me know when the coast is clear.  (plays around on his phone for the next 20 minutes)

Wife (appears at door again):  They’re gone.  You can go now.

(I grab my underwear in an attempt to streak around the corner.  I open the bedroom door and run smack into my niece.)


I think I need to invest in a pair of PJs.

And maybe some adult diapers while I’m at it.

Mom, may I please borrow your potty chair?




One thought on “Bathroom Follies

  1. Pingback: The Healing Begins | A Map of California

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